Giving Thanks for My Incredible Journey...

Usually around this time of year, I am completely depressed.  Yet this year, there is cause for positive change.  Right now, I love the skin that I am in.  I am aware of my gifts and talents and nurture them on a regular basis.  I am in a great, loving relationship with the woman that I am today.

I am grateful to be alive in 2012 and knowing that I am closer to achieving all of the dreams placed in my heart from childhood.

For once, I wanted to share the many things that I am thankful for this year.  My journey towards self acceptance and peace began in early 2012.

What I am thankful for:  2012 Edition:

1.  I am thankful for those that love me and continuously show me that they care.  I do not have to wonder about who my friends are because as I have grown older, they have revealed themselves time and again.

2.  I am thankful for Mr. Perfect, my ex-fiance and any of the past love relationships that I have been in.  I have grown so much in the past year and now its clear to me that they each taught me valuable lessons on love, sacrifice and the ability to move on from a failed relationship.  I am a loveable person and know that love will find me again…in its own time.  No pressure and no stress.

3.  I am grateful for my grandparents who believed in me and saw value in me when others did not.  On a fixed income and in their golden years, my guardian angels took in a 15 year old wild child and tamed the beast within me.  I am eternally grateful for the love, support, and guidance they gave me as I grew in their care.  I know that they gave me a priceless gift that I pass on to others:  love.  I will continue to uplift and support others because of my grandparents.

4.  I am thankful to live in New York City:  the city of dreams.  I love being a part of the fabric of this one of a kind place.  I came here to make it BIG and being here, walking these streets, lets me know that I am closer everyday to my dreams coming true.

5.  I am thankful for my unbreakable spirit.  I have been knocked down countless times and like dust…I rise.  I will not stop and I will not quit.  I am going to shine until my heart stops for I know that I inspire others to keep going in the direction of their dreams.

6.  I am thankful that I am a talented teacher.  It gives me joy to help our youth see the greatness within themselves.  I love having the freedom to touch them and deliver my words with a spirit of hope and inspiration.  I do it for the love, passion and drive I have within me to be a supportive role model to those who need it most. 

7.  I am thankful to GOD for giving me another chance at life.  Just when I thought my life was over, HE showed me that it had only just begun.  HE loves me and I know this everyday…

Thank you all for allowing me to share my life with you.  I enjoy all of the comments and love I receive every time I begin blogging.  You have given me a new lease on life and I am eternally grateful for you!!!

Keep moving forward…ALWAYS!!!

Precious

Mission: A Beautiful Life...

Lately, I have been in reflection mode.  Now that I am about to turn 34, there are a few things that I now have a bit of perspective on in my life.

I want to share with you some of my personal truths that have truly set my mind, body and soul free.

1.  Nobody's Perfect nor Should We Expect Them To Be:  I now know that my mother and father were deeply flawed individuals who were not equipped to raise me as a child.  Perhaps they suffered great tragedies and disappointments that stunted their growth.  However, no matter what their issues were at the time, they are not my issues.  Its time to let go of my hurtful past and realize that I am a much better person today because the past no longer binds me.  I am stronger than yesterday and my future is so bright.

2.  Dream BIG:  All my life, I have dreamed of making it BIG.  It wasn't until January 2012 that I made the decision to chase this dream with all my might.  I started a thriving company and within 2 months, we were on television.  I looked up one day and was in a major newspaper.  Then ABC!!!  I am on my way to being exactly where I saw myself at 5 years old.  The point is that it is never too late to chase a dream.  I just had to push myself to make it happen and just like that, the stars aligned and I am on my way!!! 

3.  Walk With Who You Are:  The man who eventually broke my heart used to say this to me from time to time.  It wasn't until recently that I got what he meant.  You see, I spent so much of my life wanting to be someone else.  I didn't even realize how much I compared my life with others, never appreciating my journey.  One day, I was looking in the mirror and saw myself for the first time.  I studied my face with awe.  I loved what I saw.  I am gorgeous as I am.  How did I go years without really seeing myself?  I am convinced that most of us do not know who we are because we are focused on who we want to be.  Walking with who I am means accepting myself as I am in this moment.  Flaws and all are beautiful.  I am unique and when I started to accept myself, others came flocking and joining my parade.  I cannot ask for a better life than the one I am living because its the life that I created.  I love me forever as I am.

4.  Celebrate the Small Victories:  I am now starting to appreciate the small things that make life so beautiful.  I walk in nature with new found appreciation and wonderment.  I love seeing the light in a child's eye as I teach them something new.  I love the smell of fresh cut grass even though I live in a concrete jungle.  My small victories include celebrating my life as it is, enjoying the company of supportive friends and family and loving the real me.

5.  Be Crazy and Unreasonable:  Do the opposite of what you have been told to do.  Think outside of the box.  Grow in an unexpected way.  Life is meant to be lived everyday and its now time to let go of coasting by.  Safe is boring and will eventually kill you.   Don't you want to look back on a long and full life knowing you gave it all you got and still have enough crazy stories to tell the grandkids of your various exploits?  I know that I have quite a few stories under my belt now but know that so many more are coming because I refuse to do what is expected of me!

Moral of the story:  I am reflecting on my life and loving every crazy minute.

Keep moving forward...ALWAYS!!!

Precious

“I Like BIG GIRLS…” and Other Stupid Things People Say and Do…

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           When I became a full figured diva, there were a few harsh truths I learned about the world.  People’s perception of me and my life were magnified because of my new size. 

            First, people would ultimately define me by my weight.  My girth became a topic of conversation whether I was a willing participant or not.  This really bothered me for I knew that I was much more than the number on a scale.

            Second, men would think it was a great pick-up line to say, “I like BIG GIRLS.”  At first, I thought that was odd.  As a woman who didn’t want my weight to be a big deal for others, I could not understand men’s fascination with telling me that.  Especially when I only wanted a man who desired a beautiful woman, with no mention of her size. 

            As my weight swelled, it was almost as if men began to downgrade me.  No, I wasn’t even asked to go on dates or even to hang out all over the city.  In fact, the conversation always seemed to go back to food.  I never mentioned eating but its all they wanted to talk about.  I can’t tell you how many men thought it was cool to say that they would like to come home with me and let me cook for them.  Brother, I don’t even cook for myself.  Are you serious?

            Third, I found out that my size often made other women uncomfortable.  So much so that I constantly felt attacked and minimized because of my weight. 

As a woman, I have dealt with many slights in my life based on my age, race, and class but how vicious other women became as I got bigger was atrocious!!!  I am already loud, proud, and fiercely independent, but other women seemed to go out of their way to cut me down and tell me that I needed to lose weight.  As if!!!

            In the end, my weight journey is all my own.  Since my weight has yo-yoed over the past few years, I have developed a deep compassion for others who are experiencing the same thing.  One thing I know for sure is that we all have our crosses to bear.  Mine is weight.  For others, it’s their sexual identity and orientation.  For others, it may be religion or age.

            I know who I am which means that I can handle these behaviors but I know that others may not be ready for the pressure that comes from gaining weight.  You are truly more than your weight and how you feel about yourself is all that matters…

            Keep moving forward…ALWAYS!!!

            Precious

BIG and BIGGER...How I Am Living Now...

As a woman who used to be no bigger than a size 10 for years, imagine my shock and horror when I slowly became a 16, 18 and ultimately a size 28.  Never once as a young person did I ever see myself being plus size.  My self esteem went down as my weight went up.

It all started in 2004 when I had a nervous breakdown in law school.  I was put on medication and my weight ballooned to 232 pounds.  I was miserable in my own skin.  My clothes didn't fit and I did not feel beautiful, pretty or curvy.  I felt fat.  I know, I said it...the dreaded words, FAT.

I stopped taking the medications so that I could slim down but that took me several years to lose the weight.  By 2007, I was a cool 177 pounds.  I was back to a size 10 and I felt great!!!  Nothing could stop my confidence from shooting through the roof.

However, my weight ballooned again in 2011 when I realized the man that I loved didn't see a future with me.  He disappeared and would come back for sex every now and then.  I tried to stay positive and hoped for the best.  He started criticizing me, my accent, my job, my apartment and my life.  Pathetic is how I felt.  His words cut like a knife and I started reaching for sweets and fried foods all the time.  Before I knew it, I was a BIG Girl again and a size 28!!!  How did this happen again?  How had I let myself go?

When I met this man, I was a size 16.  As my body got bigger, I could see his disgust and that played over and over in my mind.  You would think that that would stop me from eating but it did not.  I knew I couldn't have him, not now or ever.  My depression became overwhelming.  I wanted to die quickly.  I was eating myself into an early grave.  Time was my enemy because my mind stayed focused on him.

Today, things are different.  I lost the weight and am now a size 14.  But it took 2 years of hell for me to see the light.  The enemy was within.  I gave my power to a man who did not deserve it.  Now, I am better for this experience.  This is not to say that my weight is no longer an issue for it is and probably always will be.

What changed was how I saw myself and the situation.  I let his thoughts and opinions of me become how I saw myself.  Once I realized that we were never going to be and never should have been, my heart started to let go.  My sadness wasn't so profound.  I relaxed and started eating better and treating myself right.

Today, being a size 10 is not where I want to be.  I just want to continue to feel good in my own skin.  Ready to join me?  See yourself as you are and not how you wish and hope to be.  To be imperfect and to have flaws is beautifully human.

Keep moving forward...ALWAYS.  GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!

Kool and the Gang...

Right now, I am in love with a woman who has been here for me through thick and thin.  She has inspired me to never give up on any of my dreams and encouraged my growth, whether spiritually or emotionally.  Weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight loss means nothing to our relationship.  She is beautiful, talented and a wonderful, trusted friend.  Who is she?  Why me, of course!!!

Years ago, I couldn't stand my own reflection.  I cringed whenever I heard the sound of my own voice.  I placed more value on my clothes, money and physical possessions than my own life.  I battled the three demons of alcohol, sex and drugs. Yet, I am still here...still standing tall at the age of 33.

I meet a number of people today who call me inspirational.  At first, I was flattered by the compliment but thought nothing of it.  A few days ago, I stopped and truly reflected on how often I hear those words and  what they really mean.  I took stock of my life and cried tears of joy.  My goodness, I am a woman who should have been dead years ago by my own hands.

I know what it feels like to have a mother who does not love me.  My father was a crack cocaine addict.  I have been physically, emotionally and sexually abused and scarred by the experiences.  I have also wanted to die and tried to kill myself.  At the end of the day, I am still here.

I am also the first person in my family to go to college.  Then law school.  I have been kicked out of Georgetown University Law Center and later had a nervous breakdown.  Now, I am an attorney, entrepreneur, teacher and motivational speaker.  I speak truth and am authentically Precious at all times.

Who knew that the woman I am today would have come from so low on the totem pole?  Not me.  But by the Grace of GOD, I am have lived to tell the tale.  That is why I can encourage others to see beyond, as Joel Osteen always says, "the natural."  Within each of us is the supernatural.  We can all overcome any and all obstacles.  I wouldn't say that it is easy but challenges are meant to be overcome.

Am I inspirational?  Yes, but not for all these reasons.  I believe my life is inspirational because my heart wouldn't let me give up on life completely.  I love myself for every battle scar I have that reminds me of where I have come from.  I acknowledge every experience I have had from having my heart broken twice, to gaining 120 pounds in 1 year, to being forced to see that the life I wanted was within my grasp.

In the end, it goes back to never look back and never think twice.  You have the power to fall in love with yourself too.  That curvy girl in the mirror needs your love and support today.  Your heart and experiences can impact generations. 

Keep moving forward...ALWAYS.  GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!

Jumping in with Both Feet!!!

Did you know that "everybody dies but not everybody lives?"  As I have grown, I have encountered many women who are barely getting by and do not know why.  Deep down, they ache to break free of mediocrity but can't seem to take the next step and actually live their lives on their terms.

Don't get me wrong.  That woman used to be me.  I sat day after day, reading those celebrity magazines and business books, saying to myself that I wish I had those lives.  I couldn't accept that living the good life, traveling around the world, and having more money was indeed possible in my life.  Awhile ago, I believed that I wasn't that talented, beautiful, or skillful enough to do the impossible.   Hell, no one around me was doing anything but going to work, coming home, sitting in front of the television, paying bills, and maybe going on vacation every few years.  There also wasn't the love of a good man or woman in their lives.

At some point, my life became unbearable.  I couldn't stand another day of just being average.  So
what did I do?  I first started by changing my friends.  I was no longer content with hanging around people on my level and below.  I wanted to surround myself with others who were above me and doing the very things I dreamed about.  It was sad to leave some of my friends behind but our relationships were not growing.  I started going to networking events and putting my talents on display.  I learned how to work a room like a pro and enjoyed meeting new people.  Before I knew it, I was going to new places with new people, and having a blast!!!

Another thing I did was start reading self help books.  Nothing new age but the classics for I felt that these people had nailed how to live the life of my dreams.  I started reading a book every month which led to a book every two weeks to now ready a book a week.  Its so beautiful to see my life change when I actually did the exercises to change my mindset about life.  Life became an amazing journey of self discovery and not one of misery, stress and sacrifice.  My purpose soon became revealed and I loved knowing that every day I was moving closer to the goal.

I began realizing how my negative vocabulary was affecting my life.  I stopped saying what I couldn't do and focused on what I could do.  I began going after what I wanted instead of holding myself back for fear of what others may think.

I stopped being led so much by fear.  Fear of the unknown was killing me.  Fear of making a mistake strangled my desire to be free of mediocrity.  One day, I decided that the time had come to embrace fear and do everything I wanted to do anyway.  Once I did that, life opened up in a new way.  Fear is still a part of my life but it is manageable now.

These are a few ways I have learned to move on in life.  I do not mean to make it sound easy but it is very doable.  It first begins with changing your mindset and emotions about what you are capable of doing in your own world.  Jumping in with both feet means embracing the journey without looking back or thinking twice.  When you are prompted by the Creator to move, face a challenge or move on to the next level, do it, QUICKLY.  Inspiration begets inspiration.

You can do anything you set your mind to do.  Nothing is impossible or out of reach.  Jump in with both feet!!!

GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!

When the Spirit Soars...

My spirit has been flying so high lately.  Why? Because I am teaching a Girls Empowerment course and what my girls have taught me is priceless.  When I started on this journey, I thought I knew all the answers about how to approach life, but as you can see, I am still learning.

Before I teach every class, I pray to my Creator.  I want to say the right words that impact my girls long after I depart this earth.  I have to call them my girls for they are like the children I have never had.  Their beautiful faces and hopeful spirits fill me with a peace I have never before experienced.

As I go through this journey called life, I am amazed at all the opportunities that I have been blessed to have.  For example, I almost turned down the opportunity to teach as I had never done it before and questioned my ability to be an effective teacher.  Now I know that I am more than capable of leading any class.

My girls have taught me a number of things which I will share with you:

1.  Never underestimate children.  They will truly surprise you with how talented they are no matter 
     their race, gender, or class.

2. Don't practice the politics of low expectations.

3.  Accept any and all challenges for they teach you how amazing you really are.

4.  Obstacles are meant to be overcome.  So never give up.

5.  Pick your battles wisely.  There is no need to be hard all the time.

6.  Practice patience for that is truly one of the greatest virtues in life.

7.  Prayer changes circumstances.

8.  Believe in yourself no matter what.

9.  Thrown caution to the wind.  Just do it!

10. Fortune favors the BOLD.  Take risks and don't worry so much about the outcome.  Who you
      become after you take risks, is what is important.

These ten tips are what I practice every day with my girls.  My spirit is truly enriched for these children give me another reason to live.  They hang on every word I say because I am not there for a paycheck.  I am there to make a positive difference in their life.  I have girls that are in foster care, hungry, and deal with sexual and weight issues.  Listening to them has made me put my life in perspective.

I am so happy right now being there for them. I am a listening ear and encourage their growth.  I didn't have a "Ms. Precious" when I was growing up so I want to give them all of me at all times.  Thank you Beyonce for showing me that hard work really does pay off.

Your spirit will soar when you see beyond yourself and help others.  Be the blessing that you need in life.

Love,

Precious