BIG and BIGGER...How I Am Living Now...

As a woman who used to be no bigger than a size 10 for years, imagine my shock and horror when I slowly became a 16, 18 and ultimately a size 28.  Never once as a young person did I ever see myself being plus size.  My self esteem went down as my weight went up.

It all started in 2004 when I had a nervous breakdown in law school.  I was put on medication and my weight ballooned to 232 pounds.  I was miserable in my own skin.  My clothes didn't fit and I did not feel beautiful, pretty or curvy.  I felt fat.  I know, I said it...the dreaded words, FAT.

I stopped taking the medications so that I could slim down but that took me several years to lose the weight.  By 2007, I was a cool 177 pounds.  I was back to a size 10 and I felt great!!!  Nothing could stop my confidence from shooting through the roof.

However, my weight ballooned again in 2011 when I realized the man that I loved didn't see a future with me.  He disappeared and would come back for sex every now and then.  I tried to stay positive and hoped for the best.  He started criticizing me, my accent, my job, my apartment and my life.  Pathetic is how I felt.  His words cut like a knife and I started reaching for sweets and fried foods all the time.  Before I knew it, I was a BIG Girl again and a size 28!!!  How did this happen again?  How had I let myself go?

When I met this man, I was a size 16.  As my body got bigger, I could see his disgust and that played over and over in my mind.  You would think that that would stop me from eating but it did not.  I knew I couldn't have him, not now or ever.  My depression became overwhelming.  I wanted to die quickly.  I was eating myself into an early grave.  Time was my enemy because my mind stayed focused on him.

Today, things are different.  I lost the weight and am now a size 14.  But it took 2 years of hell for me to see the light.  The enemy was within.  I gave my power to a man who did not deserve it.  Now, I am better for this experience.  This is not to say that my weight is no longer an issue for it is and probably always will be.

What changed was how I saw myself and the situation.  I let his thoughts and opinions of me become how I saw myself.  Once I realized that we were never going to be and never should have been, my heart started to let go.  My sadness wasn't so profound.  I relaxed and started eating better and treating myself right.

Today, being a size 10 is not where I want to be.  I just want to continue to feel good in my own skin.  Ready to join me?  See yourself as you are and not how you wish and hope to be.  To be imperfect and to have flaws is beautifully human.

Keep moving forward...ALWAYS.  GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!

Kool and the Gang...

Right now, I am in love with a woman who has been here for me through thick and thin.  She has inspired me to never give up on any of my dreams and encouraged my growth, whether spiritually or emotionally.  Weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight loss means nothing to our relationship.  She is beautiful, talented and a wonderful, trusted friend.  Who is she?  Why me, of course!!!

Years ago, I couldn't stand my own reflection.  I cringed whenever I heard the sound of my own voice.  I placed more value on my clothes, money and physical possessions than my own life.  I battled the three demons of alcohol, sex and drugs. Yet, I am still here...still standing tall at the age of 33.

I meet a number of people today who call me inspirational.  At first, I was flattered by the compliment but thought nothing of it.  A few days ago, I stopped and truly reflected on how often I hear those words and  what they really mean.  I took stock of my life and cried tears of joy.  My goodness, I am a woman who should have been dead years ago by my own hands.

I know what it feels like to have a mother who does not love me.  My father was a crack cocaine addict.  I have been physically, emotionally and sexually abused and scarred by the experiences.  I have also wanted to die and tried to kill myself.  At the end of the day, I am still here.

I am also the first person in my family to go to college.  Then law school.  I have been kicked out of Georgetown University Law Center and later had a nervous breakdown.  Now, I am an attorney, entrepreneur, teacher and motivational speaker.  I speak truth and am authentically Precious at all times.

Who knew that the woman I am today would have come from so low on the totem pole?  Not me.  But by the Grace of GOD, I am have lived to tell the tale.  That is why I can encourage others to see beyond, as Joel Osteen always says, "the natural."  Within each of us is the supernatural.  We can all overcome any and all obstacles.  I wouldn't say that it is easy but challenges are meant to be overcome.

Am I inspirational?  Yes, but not for all these reasons.  I believe my life is inspirational because my heart wouldn't let me give up on life completely.  I love myself for every battle scar I have that reminds me of where I have come from.  I acknowledge every experience I have had from having my heart broken twice, to gaining 120 pounds in 1 year, to being forced to see that the life I wanted was within my grasp.

In the end, it goes back to never look back and never think twice.  You have the power to fall in love with yourself too.  That curvy girl in the mirror needs your love and support today.  Your heart and experiences can impact generations. 

Keep moving forward...ALWAYS.  GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!

Jumping in with Both Feet!!!

Did you know that "everybody dies but not everybody lives?"  As I have grown, I have encountered many women who are barely getting by and do not know why.  Deep down, they ache to break free of mediocrity but can't seem to take the next step and actually live their lives on their terms.

Don't get me wrong.  That woman used to be me.  I sat day after day, reading those celebrity magazines and business books, saying to myself that I wish I had those lives.  I couldn't accept that living the good life, traveling around the world, and having more money was indeed possible in my life.  Awhile ago, I believed that I wasn't that talented, beautiful, or skillful enough to do the impossible.   Hell, no one around me was doing anything but going to work, coming home, sitting in front of the television, paying bills, and maybe going on vacation every few years.  There also wasn't the love of a good man or woman in their lives.

At some point, my life became unbearable.  I couldn't stand another day of just being average.  So
what did I do?  I first started by changing my friends.  I was no longer content with hanging around people on my level and below.  I wanted to surround myself with others who were above me and doing the very things I dreamed about.  It was sad to leave some of my friends behind but our relationships were not growing.  I started going to networking events and putting my talents on display.  I learned how to work a room like a pro and enjoyed meeting new people.  Before I knew it, I was going to new places with new people, and having a blast!!!

Another thing I did was start reading self help books.  Nothing new age but the classics for I felt that these people had nailed how to live the life of my dreams.  I started reading a book every month which led to a book every two weeks to now ready a book a week.  Its so beautiful to see my life change when I actually did the exercises to change my mindset about life.  Life became an amazing journey of self discovery and not one of misery, stress and sacrifice.  My purpose soon became revealed and I loved knowing that every day I was moving closer to the goal.

I began realizing how my negative vocabulary was affecting my life.  I stopped saying what I couldn't do and focused on what I could do.  I began going after what I wanted instead of holding myself back for fear of what others may think.

I stopped being led so much by fear.  Fear of the unknown was killing me.  Fear of making a mistake strangled my desire to be free of mediocrity.  One day, I decided that the time had come to embrace fear and do everything I wanted to do anyway.  Once I did that, life opened up in a new way.  Fear is still a part of my life but it is manageable now.

These are a few ways I have learned to move on in life.  I do not mean to make it sound easy but it is very doable.  It first begins with changing your mindset and emotions about what you are capable of doing in your own world.  Jumping in with both feet means embracing the journey without looking back or thinking twice.  When you are prompted by the Creator to move, face a challenge or move on to the next level, do it, QUICKLY.  Inspiration begets inspiration.

You can do anything you set your mind to do.  Nothing is impossible or out of reach.  Jump in with both feet!!!

GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!