Oh, How the Tables Have Turned!!!

If you have been reading my blog for awhile, then you would know that this year has been quite a journey for me.  After living a mediocre life for the past few years, something had to give.  I had to live the life I dreamed of...a life on my terms.

My vision of success lied in me refusing to be average, random or ordinary.  So January 22, 2012, I made the decision that it was now or never.  My life had to mean something and I had to embrace the woman within.

I ended friendships that were no longer friendly.  I decided that being a lawyer was no longer an option.  I became an entrepreneur.  I started writing this blog as a way for me to share my growth with all of you.

In all my growing, I didn't realize that my greatest battle still lied within.  My ability to survive a broken heart was tested last week.  This relationship tested my very will to live.  I loved this man.  But this same man abused, mistreated and disrespected me.  I wasn't thin enough.  I wasn't smart enough.  I wasn't cool enough...to keep him by my side.  After two years of pathetically throwing myself at him, I finally had to let him go.  It was hard and I thought I had licked it...until he wanted to see me.

My friends and family advised against it.  My mind told me no.  My heart said "please, one last time."  My heart won out.  But I was so scared he would point out the fact that I had gained weight.  I was scared that he would tell me I was no longer attractive.  I was scared that he would tell me once and for all I was never on his level or good enough to be on his arm.

Wouldn't you know it?  The tables hard turned my friends!!!!  When I saw him, he no longer was Mr. Swagger!!!  He was no longer fly!!!  He was thinner and had a look of defeat.  He no longer had any money.  He was not working.  He was rather pitiful.

He spent more time telling me he was proud of me.  Me?  Me?  Me?  Yes, me.  He was proud that I was an entrepreneur.  He was proud that I followed my dreams.  I actually felt him look at me differently.  Gone was the look that "I can do better."  It was replaced by "wow, you are on it, Precious."

The moral of the story is that I had changed.  I wasn't pathetic.  I was a new person.  I wasn't broken-hearted.  I was different.  I had grown into myself.  I loved myself and I would no longer tolerate his bullsh### and lies.  He couldn't hurt me anymore.

His day of reckoning had come.  The very things he said to me years earlier were now being said to him.  He was no longer the greatest thing that happened to me.  He was just another experience in my life.

I now know what it means to survive and thrive.  I learned that my self-love is greater than any love on this earth.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I am beautiful and its about time I knew that.

Do know that one day, the tables will turn.  I promise...

Girls, you know what time it is.  Get right on the inside.  No man is worth your happiness.  No person should be able to make you feel less than.  You are wonderful and wonderfully made.  Love yourself...it is truly the greatest love of all!!!

The Best Light for the Journey...

As you all know, I am on a personal quest this year to go after all my dreams.  I am fearless and determined to be successful as a writer, producer, entrepreneur and on-air talent. 

It's so funny that when I made this decision, all kinds of craziness came my way.  People from my past reappeared.  Situations that I thought I had handled flared up again. Sometimes, my insecurities got the better of me.  I kept asking myself why is all of this happening?  I then realized that as soon as I became clear about what I am doing, these situations were put in my life to see if I have what it takes to stay the course.

First, the man I am madly in love with, who is bad for me, just reappeared in my life with a vengeance.  He didn't apologize for his absence and just acted as if I should be grateful he is back.  On one hand, I am so happy to have him back in my life.  On the other hand, I have played this game before and lost a number of times.  He is my Goliath and at this point, if I am to move forward, he must be slayed.  So I just decided that we will no longer be seeing each other no matter how bad I want to see him.  We will no longer be talking because it makes me an emotional wreck.  I feel good about this decision and hopefully, I can stick to making it happen. 

Secondly, I made the decision this year to no longer perform legal work or hold myself out to be an attorney.  I feel so good about this decision because I no longer feel tied to just being what my degree says that I am.  Wouldn't you know it that a few big cases, worth a lot of money, have come my way?  At first, I was ready to jump right in and put my lawyer cap on but on further reflection, that is not the path I am on anymore.  I am chasing my dreams and being an attorney is not one of them.  Moving on...

Thirdly, I had some friendships that I terminated because of disloyalty, disrespect and abuse.  I made it clear that I would no longer engage in these relationships but some people are persistent in trying to get my attention now that they see that I am making a name for myself.  They can't seem to apologize enough but I am so over it!!!  I don't need validation and affection from those who I was never a priority for when we were friends.  I have truly let these relationships go and plan on keeping it that way.

So what does all this mean?  I figure it means that I am growing as a woman, a strong woman at that.  I hope that my life experiences have illuminated the way for others.
Moving on is hard but so worth it.  I feel free in a way that I have never experienced before.  What used to hold me back is now fuel for my fire.  I tell the world everyday, get ready, 'cause I am coming!!!

Don't let yourself get caught up with your past.  Its a trap that prevents you from living your best life.  You can do it.  Sometimes the best light for the journey is the result of a burning bridge...

A Better Me...

I can't tell you how many years I spent trying to make people like me.  I allowed myself to become extremely agreeable, funny, and nice for fear that the real me would cause them to run away.  I honestly believed that there was something wrong with me.

It's funny, when I turned 33, I decided that it was best to just be me.  I looked in the mirror and made a commitment to be true to myself.  I actually liked what I saw in my reflection.  I decided that I would no longer wear a mask or be the way people expected me to be.  I became comfortable in my own skin.  I learned that there was nothing wrong with being myself and whoever did not like me as I was was not meant to be in my life.

I can't tell you how ultimately freeing it was to just be myself.  To love myself without abandon.  To accept the things that are just "me."  At first, it was strange feeling this way.  Now, it is second nature.

When all else fails, do you.  What does that mean?  It means being true to yourself and accepting yourself as you are and not how you wish to be.  It means being present and not stuck in the past or the future.  Being one with who you are is a gift that most people never truly get.